Foreverpurple

Probably one of the oldest cliches out there but sometimes it’s true.

I broke up with Matt on Tuesday morning. He’s been unhappy, depressed but never really had an exact cause. Last Sunday he said he thought he needed to be alone to be happy. When I asked him what that meant for us, he was unsure. He only would say ‘I don’t know’ when I would try to find out what he meant by ‘being alone’. He remained very tender and loving while watching me deal with a breaking heart Sunday and Monday. Sometimes he cried while he held me and at times I wasn’t sure which of us was being comforted. Tuesday morning I found out he had been emailing with that Gaping Twat Mouth Breather from Wisconsin again and being less than honest with her about what was happening here. She, of course, continues to push her own agenda. Which is that I am the root of all evil and the source of Matt’s unhappiness. Matt said some very unkind things to her about me in some of the emails and I decided that it was time for me to end this mess. I love him too much to see him unhappy and at the same time I refuse to be treated so badly behind my back. So I gave him what he said he wanted, which was his freedom. Tuesday he found an apartment and began moving out. Soon the reality of what was happening began to set in and I could not bring myself to comfort him as his heart was breaking. We need to be apart so he can find out for himself what he wants and needs to be happy and to deal with his depression. I need time away from him to think clearly about what he has put me through with his lying and backstabbing, and if I can ever really let go and forgive him. I like to think I can but he’s put me through hell the past 6 months.

After six great years together I don’t want to despise him, nor do I want him to hate or despise me. I would rather we part ways while we can still be friends. I also know that I can’t make him happy, he has to do that for himself. I’ll be his friend and help him if I can but he has to take control of his happiness and search his soul for some answers.

I was happy in our relationship and still as much in love as I have ever been. For me to be the one to pull the trigger and end our relationship was unbelievably difficult. But, in my heart, I know it’s the right thing to do, for both of us. He deserves to be happy and I deserve to be treated with respect and honesty. To continue on as things were, would have surely destroyed any love or tenderness between us.

We have been talking and spending time together all week. Matt has been over often to help me with some things and to talk. We put up the halloween stuff and went shopping today. We agreed to make this a separation with an open end. He says he wants us to be together, fully reconciled because this break up is not what he really wanted. Yesterday he told me that if he had stopped and really imagined what it would be like to leave me, he never would have said that he wanted to be alone. Things like that make it hard to be strong and stick to my guns on this one, but I have to. Things must change if we are going to survive this.

Matt knows the ball is in his court now. I won’t let him come back until he has had time to himself to do some soul searching. It’s hard for me to block out the mean things he said in those emails when he is holding me, crying and telling me that he loves me so much and that I’m the best thing that has ever happened to him, that his life is over without me. I want to believe him, believe that he’s just confused and struggling with depression. I want to believe because I know how depression clouds everything you do. I know because I’ve been there. I want to believe because the man who sent those emails is a stranger to me. He is not the Matt I fell in love with and spent six amazing years with. He is not the Matt who is my best friend, who I never get tired of being with.

My heart says I should give him time to face his demons because after so long together he deserves that much. My head tells me that he’s a liar, that he’s two faced and that the game he is playing with me and GTMB is never going to end. I’ve begged and pleaded with him to just be honest with me, and the lies continue. I can’t let go of the fact that he allows GTMB to lay all the blame on me, to lie about me over and over while she plays the role of the perfect woman. It’s easy to have all the answers when you are on the outside looking in. GTMB dated Matt for 6 MONTHS. She doesn’t know him as well as she likes to think. Seven years together and we are still learning things about each other. I can’t let go of the fact that he allows people like Charlie and Stacy to pick away at our relationship. This has been going on since the day he moved to Illinois to be with me and I need him to put his foot down and put a stop to it, if he really is happy here with me. I know that’s hard for him because it’s not in his nature to be confrontational but at this stage in the game I don’t care. If he loves me as much as he claims he does, if his life is meaningless and empty without me, as he says it is… then it’s time to stand up and fight for me.

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