Foreverpurple

I was happy this morning when I left the house because Matt will be coming home tomorrow night. I was thinking about changing MySpace to say something like “Friday is almost here". That instantly reminded me of how GTMB had changed her MySpace to say basically the same thing when Matt was sneaking off to Wisconsin to have dinner with her. Which of course reminded me of the messages he sent to her in anticipation of their night out. And with that my happy mood completely evaporated and right now I don’t really care about him coming home. Nor do I give a shit about the dinner we had planned for Friday night or the date we were supposed to have on Saturday.

I even began to question why I’m even giving him a third chance to get his shit together and make this right. I am still getting msgs from different men who wanted to take me out when we were trying the open relationship. I told them that had ended but every so often one of them will message me just in case something has changed. I’m ignoring them but that’s not really the point here. Besides, I would never seriously date right after a break up because it’s not healthy. The point is I don’t HAVE to endure being lied to over and over again.

Everything is tainted. Both by her and by his lies. These are the moments that make it hard for me to believe I will ever truly get past this. I can’t put these memories to rest. I don’t know how. I think part of that is because he offered me no explanation for why he lied to me and why he said the things to her that he did. I can forget about it for awhile and things seem good but inevitably something will trigger my memory and all this shit bubbles to the surface again. I think counseling may be the only solution to this for me. I just don’t know how we can reconcile when I have no ability to put these things to rest and be done with them. It hurts and how can it begin to heal? How when he promised me honesty, begged me to stay and then hurt me again just as I felt I was beginning to heal and trust him again?

I did look up a therapist a couple weeks ago but I don’t know how I can begin to afford that right now.

It probably seems to the average person looking in that I am waffling back and forth and maybe playing games. That’s so not the case here. My feelings and moods swing back and forth like this. I’m stuck in this horrible place of indecision and that’s not really how I live my life.

I know you three meddlers are probably enjoying this but I really don’t care. I didn’t invite you into my life in the first place. You pulled me into your high school games. I ignored it for years but enough is enough. It seems none of you have anything better to do that meddle in something that doesn’t concern you. You have no business voicing your opinion on our relationship. You don’t live with us and therefore can’t possibly understand or know anything about what goes on between us. I could make a lot of assumptions about YOUR marriages based on what I’ve seen and read.

I could email you all directly and tell you this but why bother when you all stop by here almost daily to read. Schadenfreude at it’s finest.

Matt is sick with a chest cold. I knew this would happen too. I knew the stress and anxiety of taking this Engineer class was going to overwhelm him. It’s so much pressure and he doesn’t have faith in his own ability to succeed. He’s having anxiety attacks and is sick to his stomach every day and now a chest cold. I went over last night to take him some Nyquil and Vick’s so he could sleep a little bit better. I know I should feel sympathy for him but right now I feel nothing. I guess that’s not entirely true, I did want to put him to bed and stay and take care of him, but I didn’t. I don’t know if that’s really an emotion so much as an instinct. I’m worried how he is going to cope alone in Salt Lake but there is nothing I can do but remind him that I believe in him and be there for him to talk to.

After several days of such overwhelming emotion, I am now devoid of any and all emotion. Not just towards him either. Maybe it’s a defense mechanism so I can continue to function, I don’t know. But it is so strange to be emotionless. I’m sure it will pass in time and last night I just tried to hide it because Matt is in a really bad place right now. He said he loves me so much… I feel nothing. He said he wants to make things right again… I feel nothing. He said he wants things to change, that he wants to be back at home with me… I feel nothing. He seems to want me to TELL him how to achieve these things, but I can’t do that. Even if I wanted to, I don’t know exactly what it’s going to take. Yes getting some help for his anger and depression is part of it. But regaining my trust after all the lies, after being two faced? I don’t have a clue how that is going to happen. Not a fucking clue.

Come to think of it, I’m not in a great place right now either.

Probably one of the oldest cliches out there but sometimes it’s true.

I broke up with Matt on Tuesday morning. He’s been unhappy, depressed but never really had an exact cause. Last Sunday he said he thought he needed to be alone to be happy. When I asked him what that meant for us, he was unsure. He only would say ‘I don’t know’ when I would try to find out what he meant by ‘being alone’. He remained very tender and loving while watching me deal with a breaking heart Sunday and Monday. Sometimes he cried while he held me and at times I wasn’t sure which of us was being comforted. Tuesday morning I found out he had been emailing with that Gaping Twat Mouth Breather from Wisconsin again and being less than honest with her about what was happening here. She, of course, continues to push her own agenda. Which is that I am the root of all evil and the source of Matt’s unhappiness. Matt said some very unkind things to her about me in some of the emails and I decided that it was time for me to end this mess. I love him too much to see him unhappy and at the same time I refuse to be treated so badly behind my back. So I gave him what he said he wanted, which was his freedom. Tuesday he found an apartment and began moving out. Soon the reality of what was happening began to set in and I could not bring myself to comfort him as his heart was breaking. We need to be apart so he can find out for himself what he wants and needs to be happy and to deal with his depression. I need time away from him to think clearly about what he has put me through with his lying and backstabbing, and if I can ever really let go and forgive him. I like to think I can but he’s put me through hell the past 6 months.

After six great years together I don’t want to despise him, nor do I want him to hate or despise me. I would rather we part ways while we can still be friends. I also know that I can’t make him happy, he has to do that for himself. I’ll be his friend and help him if I can but he has to take control of his happiness and search his soul for some answers.

I was happy in our relationship and still as much in love as I have ever been. For me to be the one to pull the trigger and end our relationship was unbelievably difficult. But, in my heart, I know it’s the right thing to do, for both of us. He deserves to be happy and I deserve to be treated with respect and honesty. To continue on as things were, would have surely destroyed any love or tenderness between us.

We have been talking and spending time together all week. Matt has been over often to help me with some things and to talk. We put up the halloween stuff and went shopping today. We agreed to make this a separation with an open end. He says he wants us to be together, fully reconciled because this break up is not what he really wanted. Yesterday he told me that if he had stopped and really imagined what it would be like to leave me, he never would have said that he wanted to be alone. Things like that make it hard to be strong and stick to my guns on this one, but I have to. Things must change if we are going to survive this.

Matt knows the ball is in his court now. I won’t let him come back until he has had time to himself to do some soul searching. It’s hard for me to block out the mean things he said in those emails when he is holding me, crying and telling me that he loves me so much and that I’m the best thing that has ever happened to him, that his life is over without me. I want to believe him, believe that he’s just confused and struggling with depression. I want to believe because I know how depression clouds everything you do. I know because I’ve been there. I want to believe because the man who sent those emails is a stranger to me. He is not the Matt I fell in love with and spent six amazing years with. He is not the Matt who is my best friend, who I never get tired of being with.

My heart says I should give him time to face his demons because after so long together he deserves that much. My head tells me that he’s a liar, that he’s two faced and that the game he is playing with me and GTMB is never going to end. I’ve begged and pleaded with him to just be honest with me, and the lies continue. I can’t let go of the fact that he allows GTMB to lay all the blame on me, to lie about me over and over while she plays the role of the perfect woman. It’s easy to have all the answers when you are on the outside looking in. GTMB dated Matt for 6 MONTHS. She doesn’t know him as well as she likes to think. Seven years together and we are still learning things about each other. I can’t let go of the fact that he allows people like Charlie and Stacy to pick away at our relationship. This has been going on since the day he moved to Illinois to be with me and I need him to put his foot down and put a stop to it, if he really is happy here with me. I know that’s hard for him because it’s not in his nature to be confrontational but at this stage in the game I don’t care. If he loves me as much as he claims he does, if his life is meaningless and empty without me, as he says it is… then it’s time to stand up and fight for me.

Song Lyrics

Vonda Shepard - Don’t Break My Heart Slow Lyrics

I like the way you wanted me,
Every night for so long baby,
And I like the way you needed me,
Everytime things got rocky.

I was believing in you,
Was I mistaken, do you say…do you say what you mean,
I want our love to last forever.

But I’d rather you be mean,
Than love and lie,
And I’d rather hear the truth,
And have to say goodbye,
I’d rather take a blow,
At least then I would know,
But baby, don’t you break my heart slow.

I like the way you hold me,
Every night, for so long baby,
I like the way you say my name,
In the middle of the night,
While you are sleeping.

I was believing in you,
Was I mistaken, do you mean…do you mean what you say,
When you say our love can last forever.

But I’d rather you be mean,
Than love and lie,
I’d rather hear the truth,
Than have to say goodbye,
I’d rather take a blow,
At least then I would know,
But baby, don’t you break my heart slow.

You would run around,
And lead me on forever,
While I’m wating home,
Still thinking we’re together,
I wanted our love to last forever.

I was believing in you….

I’d rather you be mean,
Than love and lie,
I’d rather hear the truth,
Than have to say goodbye,
I’d rather take a blow,
At least then I would know,
But baby, don’t you break my heart slow.

[song_attacher]song:breakmyheartslow.mp3|tags:vonda shepard, baby, don’t you break my heart slow, lyrics, mp3[/song_attacher]