Foreverpurple

Matt hasn’t been home to go to counseling the past two Mondays so I asked him if he would be willing to try to go for his solo sessions on a different day during the week if there was an opening. He readily said yes.

When he left on Sunday I asked him if he was going to call about an opening and he very cheerfully said “of course!". I was surprised that he was so upbeat about it. Surprised but it warmed my heart at the same time.

Tonight he called to talk and to see how my session went. Then he told me that he is planning to speak to his manager to see if he can use his 3 remaining personal days on upcoming Mondays so he can go to counseling. When he called I was battling a SQL database import and admittedly not fully paying attention. I suggested another idea was to take those days when I am off this month. He pointed out that since he has only been to one session that it would be better to use them for that. A little bit later I was washing my face and it dawned on me what he had said and what it meant. He is so serious about making counseling work for us, to save our relationship that he’s going the extra mile to get to our sessions. I’m still trying to process how important this is and what it says about him and his love for me. I’m having a hard time articulating the effect it is having on me tonight.

Actions speak louder than words. He’s not just talking a good game, he’s doing it.

I called him back and told him all of this, crying of course but I wanted him to know that the magnitude of this was not lost on me… that I understood that he meant everything he said about loving me and wanting to make this relationship work. And of course I wanted him to know that I love him. He was so sweet and loving in return. He spoke with sincerity and a feeling of openness, instead of sort of glossing over things like he sometimes does. Last week I felt as if it were hopeless and tonight I feel like there is no stopping us now and that we will come through this stronger than ever!

Then he told me a funny story about his belly button and we had good laugh together. Love that boy :)

Matt officially moved back home yesterday.

Our first counseling session went well and though I was anxious about it, that quickly dissipated after we sat down. Our counselor, George, said it was up to us if we wanted to have solo sessions since he didn’t feel it was obviously necessary after talking to us. We decided to do one solo each so Matt went on Wed and I go this coming Monday.

In spite of all that has gone on, I’m happy to have him home and he says he is happy to be back.

I intended to blog again tonight about how excited I am about this election, like I have never been before but my TM this evening changed my mindset.

Many thoughts come to me during my meditations, it’s part of the process. They are always random, that’s the nature of meditation. Tonight one of these thoughts was about Matt coming home and how much I have been thinking it over, struggling to make a decision. Then I was hit with: We had a life together. A life I loved. And that made me burst into tears but at the same time it made me realize that I am happy about the decision to let Matt come back home. It feels right. I’m still unsure about the future but this feels like a step we should take. Our relationship has been far more good than bad. We have far more happy times than bad times. Matt brings me friendship, joy, laughter, love, comfort and security.

So while I have been a bit squeamish about the idea of counseling, I have come to terms with it as a step to take for us.

Since I know you will be reading this… luv u