Foreverpurple

Matt is sick with a chest cold. I knew this would happen too. I knew the stress and anxiety of taking this Engineer class was going to overwhelm him. It’s so much pressure and he doesn’t have faith in his own ability to succeed. He’s having anxiety attacks and is sick to his stomach every day and now a chest cold. I went over last night to take him some Nyquil and Vick’s so he could sleep a little bit better. I know I should feel sympathy for him but right now I feel nothing. I guess that’s not entirely true, I did want to put him to bed and stay and take care of him, but I didn’t. I don’t know if that’s really an emotion so much as an instinct. I’m worried how he is going to cope alone in Salt Lake but there is nothing I can do but remind him that I believe in him and be there for him to talk to.

After several days of such overwhelming emotion, I am now devoid of any and all emotion. Not just towards him either. Maybe it’s a defense mechanism so I can continue to function, I don’t know. But it is so strange to be emotionless. I’m sure it will pass in time and last night I just tried to hide it because Matt is in a really bad place right now. He said he loves me so much… I feel nothing. He said he wants to make things right again… I feel nothing. He said he wants things to change, that he wants to be back at home with me… I feel nothing. He seems to want me to TELL him how to achieve these things, but I can’t do that. Even if I wanted to, I don’t know exactly what it’s going to take. Yes getting some help for his anger and depression is part of it. But regaining my trust after all the lies, after being two faced? I don’t have a clue how that is going to happen. Not a fucking clue.

Come to think of it, I’m not in a great place right now either.