Foreverpurple

Matt officially moved back home yesterday.

Our first counseling session went well and though I was anxious about it, that quickly dissipated after we sat down. Our counselor, George, said it was up to us if we wanted to have solo sessions since he didn’t feel it was obviously necessary after talking to us. We decided to do one solo each so Matt went on Wed and I go this coming Monday.

In spite of all that has gone on, I’m happy to have him home and he says he is happy to be back.

—— SMS Text ——
From: Matt
Sent: Nov 7, 2008 8:19 PM

Luv u

—— SMS Text ——
From: Matt
Sent: Nov 7, 2008 8:19 PM

Xo

—— SMS Text ——
From: Me
Sent: Nov 7, 2008 8:19 PM

Where did that come from?

—— SMS Text ——
From: Matt
Sent: Nov 7, 2008 8:21 PM

My heart. Just wanted to remind you, cara mia

(insert me crying here)

Aw… he is so sweet
I don’t remember when the Cara Mia thing started but it’s just a silly thing we started doing after watching The Addams Family one day and it stuck. I just have to hold my arm out to him and he knows what it means. Of course sometimes he insists on teasing and playing like he doesn’t know so I have to tell him. It’s all part of the game though.

I removed the phone numbers so I don’t start getting texts from weirdos.

On a less fun note, I think I’m getting sick. At first I thought it was just my allergies out of control but it’s getting worse.

You can see relationship trouble brewing quite clearly now, yet you may not be able to say much about it. If there is a problem between you and your spouse or partner, it’s not going to go away until you address it directly. Still, it may be better to wait for circumstances to improve. In the meantime, do what you can to stabilize things so there will be common ground to meet upon.
By Rick Levine

Seriously? Ugh…just ugh. I think I’ll choose to ignore this one. Matt stayed over last night and I had some feelings that we are in danger of resuming our old habits and patterns. I’m afraid that is a bad thing. I’m not sure if it’s valid or not but it feels like that’s how we got to this place to begin with. I could be wrong on that… hard to say right now.

I came home from work last night tired and cranky because I had to stop and pick up something for dinner AND decide what to get (it gets old being the one who has to make nearly every decision). I had intended to just eat something at home for a change, knowing there was left over pizza for Matt. He sent me a text asking what was for dinner cuz there was nothing there that he likes to eat (except pizza). Matt got out of class earlier in the day and he could have taken care of dinner but I didn’t say anything and obviously I SHOULD HAVE. So it’s not entirely fair to him because he didn’t know I was tired and annoyed.

Anyway I texted Matt to tell him I would need help carrying stuff in. I expected him to be waiting at the door ready to come out since I gave him a heads up that I was 10 mins away. I had to honk the horn and then he opened the door. He let the girls out and then it seemed like he was just standing there waiting for me to come to the door so he could open it for me. So I snapped at him. He said he was getting his shoes but I didn’t see that.

The bottom line is we take each other for granted and don’t communicate our feelings very well. We are both guilty of holding back and that causes animosity. I feel like I could elaborate more here but I’ll save it for therapy. Yeah… therapy. Holy shit.

I intended to blog again tonight about how excited I am about this election, like I have never been before but my TM this evening changed my mindset.

Many thoughts come to me during my meditations, it’s part of the process. They are always random, that’s the nature of meditation. Tonight one of these thoughts was about Matt coming home and how much I have been thinking it over, struggling to make a decision. Then I was hit with: We had a life together. A life I loved. And that made me burst into tears but at the same time it made me realize that I am happy about the decision to let Matt come back home. It feels right. I’m still unsure about the future but this feels like a step we should take. Our relationship has been far more good than bad. We have far more happy times than bad times. Matt brings me friendship, joy, laughter, love, comfort and security.

So while I have been a bit squeamish about the idea of counseling, I have come to terms with it as a step to take for us.

Since I know you will be reading this… luv u

You could make it all look easy today, but inside you are probably stressing more than usual. These are difficult times, for you are being pulled in opposite directions and neither option is perfect. Ultimately, you’ll need to stop the analysis and just make a choice. Remember, it’s usually best to choose love over fear.
By Rick Levine

Last week Matt asked me again what needs to happen so he can come back home. I had mentioned counseling for us in previous conversations. I just wasn’t sure if that was the answer to our problems but the more I have thought about it the more it seems there isn’t much else we can try. Matt called this morning and set up our first appointment for next Monday. He made a commitment to see this through with me and with that promise, I told him he can come back home at the end of the month. Well the end of the month is logical because he will have to give notice to the landlord and all that but I’m sure he will start moving back before then. He tells me over and over that he is very unhappy with the current arrangement and just wants to come home to me. So I’m choosing love over fear…. again. I know that our family and true friends will be supportive of our decision to try to save our relationship because they know how much we love each other.

I just hope this is the right step because I don’t have any other ideas about how to rebuild this relationship. John told me today that the reason I’m not sure what to do yet is because the right thing hasn’t presented itself. I’ve been thinking about that a lot because it really made me stop and think. Sometimes you don’t know the solution to a problem until it’s staring you in the face and then it’s like a light switches on. I definitely felt good after talking to Matt on the phone about him coming home. That’s an honest feeling that I can trust if nothing else.

I am asking myself this alot lately. It seems like I have no time to do all the things I want. I’m trying to work overtime and get the house cleaned plus spend time with pets. Plus now Matt is home. We did have dinner together Friday night and we went to the corn maze in Godfrey on Saturday. Some obscene things happened in the corn maze but I won’t name names to protect the guilty. We did some shopping too and he stayed the night. I was definitely happy to see him. We did some things around the house Sunday morning before he left again. When he got home he found his computer hard drive had died. It’s been acting up for about a year now. He came over to see what I could do with it and to burn some DVDS. I’m picking up a new hard drive tonight so we can get him up and running again. Work is hectic this week but I told him he could come over and I would help him get it all set up up again.

Matt passed all of his tests with flying colors. I am very proud of him for doing so well. I knew he would succeed. His plane arrives later this evening…still not sure if I am going to make dinner. I am exhausted this morning and have a little bit of a headache, probably from crying last night. He tried to call and I wouldn’t answer because I didn’t feel like talking and I had to get some work done. He sent me several texts and a very touching email. I still have a lot on my mind and I am getting NO WORK done today. Just a zombie right now… more later on what’s in my head.

Although you might try to stay on the sunny side of your disposition, there could be a rather serious issue that needs airing. Others may expect you to be positive or even uplifting, but don’t let their expectations stand in the way of your honesty. After all, part of your reputation is based on your ability to tell it like it is. You will feel much better once the truth is out in the open.

By Rick Levine

I was happy this morning when I left the house because Matt will be coming home tomorrow night. I was thinking about changing MySpace to say something like “Friday is almost here". That instantly reminded me of how GTMB had changed her MySpace to say basically the same thing when Matt was sneaking off to Wisconsin to have dinner with her. Which of course reminded me of the messages he sent to her in anticipation of their night out. And with that my happy mood completely evaporated and right now I don’t really care about him coming home. Nor do I give a shit about the dinner we had planned for Friday night or the date we were supposed to have on Saturday.

I even began to question why I’m even giving him a third chance to get his shit together and make this right. I am still getting msgs from different men who wanted to take me out when we were trying the open relationship. I told them that had ended but every so often one of them will message me just in case something has changed. I’m ignoring them but that’s not really the point here. Besides, I would never seriously date right after a break up because it’s not healthy. The point is I don’t HAVE to endure being lied to over and over again.

Everything is tainted. Both by her and by his lies. These are the moments that make it hard for me to believe I will ever truly get past this. I can’t put these memories to rest. I don’t know how. I think part of that is because he offered me no explanation for why he lied to me and why he said the things to her that he did. I can forget about it for awhile and things seem good but inevitably something will trigger my memory and all this shit bubbles to the surface again. I think counseling may be the only solution to this for me. I just don’t know how we can reconcile when I have no ability to put these things to rest and be done with them. It hurts and how can it begin to heal? How when he promised me honesty, begged me to stay and then hurt me again just as I felt I was beginning to heal and trust him again?

I did look up a therapist a couple weeks ago but I don’t know how I can begin to afford that right now.

It probably seems to the average person looking in that I am waffling back and forth and maybe playing games. That’s so not the case here. My feelings and moods swing back and forth like this. I’m stuck in this horrible place of indecision and that’s not really how I live my life.

I know you three meddlers are probably enjoying this but I really don’t care. I didn’t invite you into my life in the first place. You pulled me into your high school games. I ignored it for years but enough is enough. It seems none of you have anything better to do that meddle in something that doesn’t concern you. You have no business voicing your opinion on our relationship. You don’t live with us and therefore can’t possibly understand or know anything about what goes on between us. I could make a lot of assumptions about YOUR marriages based on what I’ve seen and read.

I could email you all directly and tell you this but why bother when you all stop by here almost daily to read. Schadenfreude at it’s finest.

Sunday afternoon Matt sent me a text that just said “I miss u". I replied that I missed him too especially the night before. His response “I really miss u every moment” aw Of course I immediately started crying. It was just so sweet and romantic but it also made me sad to think about the mess we are in right now. I’m not sure what makes this relationship so different from my others but it is. After past break ups I was able to move on without looking back, after a natural grieving period of course but still. There has never been a past relationship that I fought to keep together. I guess I’m ready to give up on us just yet. I don’t know if that’s true love or not but Matt is the man I always imagined growing old with.

What if after 3 or 6 months of separation I decide that I have fallen out of love with Matt? I had this thought last night and it scared me a little bit but I’m not sure why. I’m not afraid of being alone. I’m alone all the time as it is. Being lonely and being alone are too different things. I like being alone but I get lonely for Matt if that makes sense. He’s the one person I want to be around all the time. I’ve been single and on my own plenty of times and I know I can take care of myself and be happy on my own. Where is that fear coming from? Fear of the unknown? Fear of such a major change? Lots of questions and no answers…