I was happy this morning when I left the house because Matt will be coming home tomorrow night. I was thinking about changing MySpace to say something like “Friday is almost here". That instantly reminded me of how GTMB had changed her MySpace to say basically the same thing when Matt was sneaking off to Wisconsin to have dinner with her. Which of course reminded me of the messages he sent to her in anticipation of their night out. And with that my happy mood completely evaporated and right now I don’t really care about him coming home. Nor do I give a shit about the dinner we had planned for Friday night or the date we were supposed to have on Saturday.

I even began to question why I’m even giving him a third chance to get his shit together and make this right. I am still getting msgs from different men who wanted to take me out when we were trying the open relationship. I told them that had ended but every so often one of them will message me just in case something has changed. I’m ignoring them but that’s not really the point here. Besides, I would never seriously date right after a break up because it’s not healthy. The point is I don’t HAVE to endure being lied to over and over again.

Everything is tainted. Both by her and by his lies. These are the moments that make it hard for me to believe I will ever truly get past this. I can’t put these memories to rest. I don’t know how. I think part of that is because he offered me no explanation for why he lied to me and why he said the things to her that he did. I can forget about it for awhile and things seem good but inevitably something will trigger my memory and all this shit bubbles to the surface again. I think counseling may be the only solution to this for me. I just don’t know how we can reconcile when I have no ability to put these things to rest and be done with them. It hurts and how can it begin to heal? How when he promised me honesty, begged me to stay and then hurt me again just as I felt I was beginning to heal and trust him again?

I did look up a therapist a couple weeks ago but I don’t know how I can begin to afford that right now.

It probably seems to the average person looking in that I am waffling back and forth and maybe playing games. That’s so not the case here. My feelings and moods swing back and forth like this. I’m stuck in this horrible place of indecision and that’s not really how I live my life.

I know you three meddlers are probably enjoying this but I really don’t care. I didn’t invite you into my life in the first place. You pulled me into your high school games. I ignored it for years but enough is enough. It seems none of you have anything better to do that meddle in something that doesn’t concern you. You have no business voicing your opinion on our relationship. You don’t live with us and therefore can’t possibly understand or know anything about what goes on between us. I could make a lot of assumptions about YOUR marriages based on what I’ve seen and read.

I could email you all directly and tell you this but why bother when you all stop by here almost daily to read. Schadenfreude at it’s finest.